The Maravi Post

A well regarded and usually sober farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar, getting uncharacteristically drunk, and making quite a fool of himself in the process. 

A neighbour, who knew the farmer very well, came in and asked him,

"Hey, Mr Chimbowa why are you getting this drunk and making a fool of yourself?"

Mr Chimbowa - our farmer that is - shook his head and replied, "Some things, you just can't explain," and sighed – as if the world had come to an end.

"What happened that's so terrible?" the concerned neighbour asked, ordered his own cold one, pulling a stool to sit down next to Mr. Chimbowa.

"Well, Bambo Phiri," Mr Chimbowa began – now that he had a sympathetic ear, even managing a sob, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said Mr Phiri, "but that's not so bad, cows spill milk all the time."

"Some things you just can't explain," Mr Chimbowa repeated.

"So what happened then?" Mr Phiri pressed.

And Mr Chimbowa continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

Mr Phiri (couldn’t help himself) now laughed and asked, "Again?"

Mr Chimbowa repeated his gloomy sentence again, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" Mr Phiri asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," Mr Phiri said, nodding his head - as a person beginning to understand a situation does.

"Some things you just can't explain," Mr Chimbowa reiterated, now looking very dejected.

"So, what did you do?" Mr Phiri asked.

"Well," Mr Chimbowa said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

Soon after that, my trousers – loose without the support of my belt - fell down; and now tell me Mr Phiri, who
walks in?“ Mr Chimbowa paused for effect.

“My wife,” he proceeded after his dramatic pause,”is the one - of all people - who walked in.” And by now the poor man was crying loudly, tears flowing freely.

He only paused once to repeat again for the third time: “Some things you just can't explain!"
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Eureka! Myth about marriage

It was, until this morning, generally believed that married people live longer.

It has just been announced by the Donzology Department at Chanco that conclusive research has revealed that
this belief is a misconception.

Being married just makes the couple feel that their lives are unduly and painfully longer!
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Q.E.D:

Have you ever wondered why dumb people seem to get an unfair share of promotions at work? Here is a theorem that explains why.

Fact: “Power” =” Work” / “Time”

Now, if “Knowledge” = “Power”; and “Time” = “Money”; then, “Knowledge” = “Work” / “Money”

Are we together this far? Ok, let’s move on:

Solving (“Knowledge” = “Work” / “Money”) for “Money” we get:

“Money” = “Work” / “Knowledge”

Now therefore:

“Money” will approach infinity as “Knowledge” approaches zero, regardless of the “Work” actually done. Conversely, as “Knowledge” approaches zero, “Money” will likewise approach infinity.

Put simply:

The less you know, the more you make; which should explain your boss or your recently promoted colleague.
Q.E.D.
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(c) The Maravi Post 2012

Two villages in Dedza may soon go to war. Their problem centres on the Linthipe River.

Reportedly, one village, on the eastern side of the river, is claiming half the river – their claim duly backed by this same concept that our Taifa brothers and sisters are using to claim Lake Malawi, Littoral or riparian rights.

The village on the western side too, is claiming the same river and they have gone to the extent of renaming their village Linthipe Village – something previously non-existent.

The District Commissioner, in a bid to solve the crisis, visited the villages, one after another. He told the villagers in both villages, separately of course, that in fact, they own 100% of the river since it runs in Dedza and they are all Dedzans.

All was well, until he left and drove back to Dedza.

Now both villages have renamed their villages Dedza Village – a per Bwana DC’s new information. And what’s more, the stretch of river that separates them has also been appropriately renamed Dedza River and would you believe this: both villages are now claiming 100% ownership – nothing more, nothing less.

Will the International Court of Justice be able to help?
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A true story: Bishop Desmond Tutu’s favourite joke

Bishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa just loves this joke:

When the missionaries came to Africa, we had the land and they had the Bible. Then they said, "Let us pray ...," and asked us to close our eyes.

By the time the prayer was over, they now had the land and we had the Bible.

Bishop Desmond Tutu usually ends the joke by adding, "And I think we Africans, got the better deal!"
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A Chanco lecture from the lower Shire returns to his roots

A Chanco professor, after very many years of absence went home to the Lower Shire. On arrival he met a village boy at the Shire River bank. The little boy ferries people across the sea for money. No sooner had professor boarded the boy's canoe than the following interrogation began:

Prof: Did you read philosophy?

The Boy: No.

Prof: You are useless in the world. What about psychology?

The Boy: No.

Prof: You’re a waste. Did you read pharmacology?

The Boy: No.

Prof: You’re good for nothing.

After a while there was an excessive wave and the canoe was shaking to capsize.

The boy quickly abandoned the professor to fate. The helpless professor was in great fear, yelling at the rustic boy for help.

The Boy asked him "Prof, have studied Swimmology? Now you are the one finished!” shouted the boy, as he swam away to safety.
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AGs from Malawi, Taifa discuss Lake Malawi

A Malawian delegation, led by Malawi’s Attorney General, flew to Dar to discuss ownership of Lake Malawi.

The discussion, due to some trouble at the scheduled hotel, was shifted to the residence of Tanzania’s Attorney General, who happens to have a very ferocious-looking dog.

As the Malawi AG approached the door, the dog began to bark wildly and Tanzanian AG said to him,

"Come on in, my brother Senior Counsel from Malawi! Don't be afraid of my dog. You know the old proverb: A barking dog never bites."

"Yes," replied our crafty AG, "I know the proverb, and you know the proverb, but does your dog know it? For all I know the proverb was made in Berlin, and could be another product of Heligoland that your dog will not subscribe to! Before we have an agreement on when and whether your dog can bite and when or whether it cannot, now therefore, as per aforesaid, we must first make sure the dog is a party to the Heligoland Treaty!”

And, hence, the fight over Lake Malawi was won; funny how dogs can save the day.
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©2012 The Maravi Post.

An un-official survey early this week polled over 1,000 rational Malawians with the following questions.

With due acknowledgment to the esteemed pollsters - who have opted to remain anonymous - we reproduce below the questions and the correspondents’ responses verbatim:
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Do you believe the VP was sincere in his apology on the uncalled-for “Sitimakadya kwa Amanu” – ‘We do not eat at your mothers’ - remarks?

Outcome:

· 1% said, "No"
· 2% said, "Yes"
· 97% said, "The question shouldn’t focus on whether he was sincere or not, but on how many green cold ones he had imbibed to cloud his memory to the extent of uttering the unfortunate remarks that triggered the apology."
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Does Malawi needs aid; and do you think the IMF, World Bank and western countries in general, are convinced that the Malawi leadership is determined to turn around the economy?

Outcome:

· 1% said, "No, in fact Malawi does not need aid."
· 2% said, "Yes, Malawi needs aid and the Bretton Woods institutions know that the Malawi leadership is walking the talk."
· 97% said, "The question is not about whether Malawi needs aid or not. It should rather be formulated thus: how man bags of the famous subsidy fertilizer would the K308 million that has been blown by a 40-strong-delegation to the UN, have provided to households (especially child and female-headed) that cannot even afford the K500 subsidized price?"

Author’s note: The answer is K308,000,000/K500 per bag = 616,000 bags of truly free fertilizer for the poorest of the poor in Malawi - quite a few people (more than 40 at least) would have benefitted!
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Do you really agree to the Minister of Justice and Attorney General’s assertion that the President need not re-declare her assets upon assuming the high office?

· 1% said, "No, the President should re-declare her wealth because; the two offices are intrinsically different."
· 2% said, "Yes, this president is incorruptible, why should she re-declare her assets?"
· 97% said, "Sorry to say again that you are asking the wrong question. The correct question is: what is she afraid of?"
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What do you make of the recent call made by the Executive Director of the Consumers Association of Malawi (CAMA) that the PP-led government should resign and call for early elections because it has failed Malawians?

· 1% said, "He is wrong, no-one should take him seriously, he is mad."
· 2% said, "He is right, as was well put by the elders, ‘wamsala adawona nkhondo!’"
· 97% said, "Whether he is right or wrong is not the question. The question should rather be, had PP still been in ‘opposition’ and had the effects of a devaluation hit Malawians this hard under the tenure of the deceased; what would have PP (and its supporters) said?"
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The former ACB Director and the estranged Clerk of Parliament are and will soon be claiming millions of the tax-payers hard earned Kwachas, as if the millions blown on the on-going excursion to the US are not enough.
Are the two right to claim their pound of flesh?

· 1% said, "Yes, they are acting entirely within their rights."
· 2% said, "No, they are wrong; they are demanding too much given our poor economy."
· 97% said, "Again, this survey is asking the wrong question. The question should be: whose ill-advised action has put the national coffers at the risk of compensating these two in millions at the expense of real national priorities?"
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Now to the final one:
Some Malawian commentators and activists, who were in the forefront demanding better governance and accountability from the former DPP government, hitting that government left, right and centre; are again taking this government to task.

Which of the following is true of these unappeasable characters?
a) It is a classical case of sour grapes. They are making noise because they have not been offered positions.
b) They are truly patriotic Malawians who hate mediocrity and want duty bearers to deliver, regardless of who is ruling.
c) They are failed politicians on the payroll of the reportedly massive ‘DPP war chest’ paid to talk and write bad of this government - just as they were being paid by the PP to talk and write bad of the then DPP government and ‘joyce-up’ the nation!

Take your pick, this one we will leave to you….
The options (A, B or C) are not exhaustive, please by all means feel free to add yours!

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's ever had is our maid."

"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But I've been doing it with the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."

"Oh holy crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
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Smart boy and an equally smart old timer

An old fellow, visiting his son in Sunny Side – Blantyre, is sitting on the culvert just outside the gate of his son’s mansion basking in the sun when he sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man murmurs, "Typical of a town boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the
chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out enjoying the morning sun and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on son, I'll quickly dress up and join you!"
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Africa is poor yet so blessed with resources, who is ruining it?

Listen to this. One day, all the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in anger, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in; and all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

Now what does it take to really run Africa?

You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge in Africa... just be an asshole and everything will fall in place.
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©2012 The Maravi Post.