The Maravi Post

Innocent girl with a dirty mind?

THE male teacher in an all girls' school asks the science class:

"Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushing furiously as she stands up, says:

"Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher is taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawns on him, he calls for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily puts up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," says the male teacher.

He then turns solemnly to Mary, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal:

"Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

·    First, you have NOT done your homework;

·    Second, you have a very DIRTY mind, and,

·    Third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed – your expectations are just too much!"

xxxxx

On old lady with a bag of tricks!

A young man was at ShopRite picking up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.  Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total bill had run into thousands of Kwacha yet he

had only purchased toothpaste. "How can that be?" he asked, "For Christ's sake, I only purchased toothpaste!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

xxxxx

Husband, wife and a convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you are cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you too!!"

xxxxx

The Charcoal seller’s final round

IT was the makalaman’s last day on the job after years of bringing very good charcoal through all kinds of weather and risking imprisonment. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a brick of Embassy Cigarettes. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures since he was a Tonga from Nkhata Bay, his retirement home.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went to the dining room and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed K50 bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the K50 for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him K50!' Only the breakfast was my idea."

xxxxx

There are human beings, and then there are lawyers!

AN engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus
two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced
"Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment

Nutty professor versus top-of-the-class

A professor had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would get a zero. Well, one guy kept on writing for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to the professor to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said,

"Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."

The guy looked at the professor and said, "Professor, do you know who I am?"

The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of Malawi...you get a zero on this exam!"

The guy, with an enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?"

The professor retorted, "No, I've no idea who you think you are, and honestly I don’t give a heck!"

To that, the guy said "Good!"

With that, he plunged his exam paper into the middle of the stack of other student's papers, shuffled them thoroughly and retreated with much haste from the examination hall!

*******

At Zomba Mental Hospital

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the peace in the village, so for public safety, he was taken to Zomba Mental Hospital. He was put in a room with another crazy, and upon settling down, he immediately began his routine:

"I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other ‘zweee’, his roomy, looked at him and solemnly declared, "No, I did not!"

********

Pondering a trip to the Chikangawa?

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Chikangawa."

To do what?

"I just read from the Nation newspaper that I can make MK3, 000 a night, doing what I give you for free".

He pondered for moment then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and joined with his wife.

She asked "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied.

"Why?"

"I want to see how you are going to survive on MK6, 000 a year!"

*******

Eureka! ‘Dazi lili ndi mankhwala!’

The elders apparently goofed when they coined the adage that “Dazi lilibe mankhwala!”

During a monthly visit to the corner barbershop, Bryte asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was: “er…… female juices.”

"But you're balder than I am," protested Bryte.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've got to admit, I've got one hell of a moustache!"

*******

It’s raining kids!

The new pastor's wife had a baby. The pastor appealed to the congregation for an increase to his stipend to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.

The next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Seven years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses.

This resulted in a rather loud meeting one night with the pastor. Finally, the pastor stood up and shouted,
"Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So is rain - so is rain, but nevertheless we wear rubbers or plastics when it is raining!"

*******

College politics

On my first day at the Uni, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded

"Ah, you're the Freshmen a.k.a. “Year0” (pronounced yia-ro)."

This dean, a jolly old fellow, went on to explain:

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's definitely Freshmen (Year0).

When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the lecturer over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they actually write it down, it is the “mature” entry students a.k.a. “tchuwa.””

*******

A typical conversation for a married couple

"Joe, what's the matter, can't you bring me home flowers once in a while at least?"  says the wife.  "Before we were married, you were always bringing me little presents."

"Honey, tell me," asks Joe, "Is there any logic or wisdom in giving worms to fish that one has already hooked?"

*******

Four Little Words

Mary and Jane had not seen each other in a while. So they decided to meet for lunch.  The talk naturally gravitated to their respective love lives.  Mary confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.

Jane, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.  

"He's perfect.  He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"Did he say 'will you marry me'?" Mary asked.

Jane replied, "No, when the waiter came with the bill he said 'Put your purse away'."

*******

The Mayor and Parish jargon

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,

"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the good old priest died at a ripe old age. About

a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.  Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,

"I don't know what you're laughing about; your own wife fell three times just this week!"

*******

The unethical doctor

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients and was resting. Feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients, a little voice in his head comforted him saying

"Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients; so it is not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a lot better until another voice in his head said, "... but then, the other doctors are probably not veterinarians."

*******
Nutty Professor hits back

Annoyed by one professor who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.

"They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes at Chikangawa."

All the girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "If you can hold your patience till the end of the class, the next Mzuzu via Chikangawa Bus leaves at 21:00hrs!"
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment

THIS week we will depart from our usual topics and talk about something somewhat less theological. But do not be fooled, this does not make it any less challenging. Our subject is the issue of choices, the choices and decisions we would make when faced the ultimate dilemma. Read on.

Long, long time ago a young king was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by the youthful king’s happiness. So he offered him freedom so long as he could answer a very difficult question. The young king would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was, "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man. It is known for a fact to have haunted even the Biblical wise King Solomon. And, to the young king, it was indeed an impossible question.

Since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. The young king returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the prostitutes, the priests, the court jester and my predecessors: the wise ones of his time.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people told him was to consult an old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived, and the young king had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Tipitana, the most noble of the Royal Court and the king’s closest friend!

The young king was confounded. The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, she had only one tooth, she smelled like sewage water, and she often made obscene noises. He had never run across a more repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Tipitana, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with his friend, the young king. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to the king’s life and the preservation of the Royal Court. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered the young king’s question:

"What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great and unassailable truth and that the young king's life would be spared. And it indeed it came to pass that the neighbouring monarch spared the young king's life and granted him total freedom.

And lo! What a wedding Tipitana and the witch had! The young king was torn between relief and anguish. Tipitana was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable and embarrassed her bridegroom and the young king in no small way!

After the wedding, the nuptials approached. Tipitana, outwardly calm but with a storm raging inside his head, steeled himself for a horrific night, and entered the nuptial bedroom. What a sight awaited him!

The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Tipitana was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she had been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which, she asked, would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question, thought Tipitana. And unlike his friend the king, he had no ugly witch to consult! What irony, he thought: he is in this predicament because of another impossible question, only to be faced with yet another no-win question.

Tipitana’s medulla oblongata began to roll: during the day, he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, he would be with an old spooky witch. Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Tipitana chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice!!!!

Noble Tipitana replied that he would let the witch choose for herself! Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful ALL the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is he moral of this story? Several lessons come to the fore. The first and easy one is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly; underneath it all, she's still a witch. But again, on the positive side, we learn that sometimes it is best to let those under our power and authority to determine their own fate and destiny – this is the only way we can get win-win outcomes.

See you next week, same time, same MaraPost Humour. Topic is “Will you marry me?”
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment

THE manufacturer of human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, sex, race or creed, due to a serious defect in their central processing unit, otherwise known as the heart.

The defect is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named “Adam” and “Eve” that has been passed on in the reproduction of all subsequent units and clones.

The defect has been technically termed, "Severe Insufferable Noncompliance", or more commonly known as SIN.

Some symptoms of this defect are:

1.    Loss of direction
2.    Foul vocal emissions
3.    Amnesia of origin and increasing belief in Darwin’s theory
4.    Lack of peace and joy
5.    Selfish, or violent behaviour
6.    Depression or confusion in the mental component
7.    Fearfulness
8.    Lack of kindness
9.    Idolatry
10.    Rebellion
11.    Undressing innocent women
12.    Failure to operate or run as directed in the operation manual
13.    Subjugation of godliness by monetary and material leanings
14.    Abuse of authority and public resources.
(P/s: This list is not exhaustive)

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing patented and authorized repair, free of charge, to correct this SIN defect, which if uncorrected, subjects the units to irreparable damage.

The one and only qualified Engineer, Jesus, has most generously offered to:

1.    bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs,
2.    work -  day and night  - to ensure SIN is eradicated, and
3.    provide free genuine spare parts for self-service or DIY for those technically qualified,
and there are no additional fees required.

The toll free number to call for repairs, accessible from any network, is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Again, P-R-A-Y-E-R is available, on or offline, for those that are internet savvy. Once connected, upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from this authorised engineer, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

a.    Love
b.    Joy
c.    Peace
d.    Patience
e.    Kindness
f.    Goodness
g.    Faithfulness
h.    Gentleness
i.    Self Control

Finally through word or deed, preferably both, ACKNOWLEDGE the fact that Jesus is the one that has reconfigured and overhauled your entire operating system.

Refer to the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details and system maintenance. For 24 hours seven days support, again available on or offline, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a roving service company, called the HOLY SPIRIT.

Repaired units need only to download Him; He is plug and play and will self-install upon download to take up permanent residence in the hearts!

WARNING:

Continuing to operate the human being unit without alteration, voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to mortal and eternal danger and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

Again, take note that many operators will come to you claiming to be operating under licence from Jesus. Do NOT be fooled. You will know these phoneys by their works and love of money.

Remember, for free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER:

Human being units not responding to this recall action will be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to continue prevailing to prevent further contamination. Thank you for your attention. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice.

You may for example “like this” on Facebook and save the world, in the literal sense!
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment