The Maravi Post

Lost in Lilongwe

RECENTLY a gentleman, lost in the city of Lilongwe and looking for directions, pulled up at the City Centre bus stop, where some two characters were waiting.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he asked. The two gentlemen just stared at him.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he tried. The two continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

"Kodi Chitumbuka mukuyoboya pera?" This too elicited nothing.

The guy drove off, extremely disgusted. The first chap turned to the second and said, "Amwene, tiphunzire ziyankhulo."

"Kuti chani? Zachani?" asked the other. "Akulu awowo ayankhula zingati apa - zawatandiza?"

###

An unusual birthday present for Khondwa
Advisory: do not try this at home!

HELLO, is this the Malawi Police Service?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Kho. He is growing marijuana in the bush behind  his house!"

"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."

The next day, CIDs descend on Kho`s house.

They search the bushes where Kho is allegedly growing the weed. Using hoes, slashes and what have you, they thoroughly clear the bushes but there is no single plant of marijuana.

They sneer at Kho and leave.

A few minutes after they depart, the phone rings, and Kho picks it up warily.

"Hello."

"Hey, Kho! This is Chims, did the Police come?"

"Yes, they did, how did you know?"

"Did they clear the bushes in your backyard?"

"Yep, how did you guess that?"

"Happy Birthday, Kho, that`s my present for you!"
###

Solomonic wisdom applied

TWO women came before the wise king, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young Chartered Accountant agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence.

"My sword! Bring me my sharpest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sir, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But your Majesty, moments ago she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Precisely!" explained the wise King. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

###

The Good, the Bad, and the really Bad News. Can things get any worse?

1. The good news is: Your wife is pregnant.
The bad news is: It's triplets.
Life is unfair because: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. The good news is: Your wife is not talking to you.
The bad news is: She wants a divorce.
Can things possibly get any worse? She is a Lawyer.

3. The good news is: Your son is finally maturing.
The bad news is: He's involved with the curvy woman next door.
The problem is: So are you, and you infected her with the virus!

4. The good news is: Your son studies a lot in his room.
The bad news is: You find several porn movies hidden there.
To make things worse: You're featuring in a couple of them!

5. The good news is: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
The bad news is: You can't find your birth control pills.
The depressing news is that: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. The good news is: There is DHL courier knocking on your door.
The bad news is: He's carrying a gun.
The really bad news is that: He is the hubby to the woman you were with last night at the motel!

7. The good news is: You were saved from the redundancy list.
The bad news is: Your salary was drastically cut.
The problem is: The company is nevertheless going into receivership!

8. The good news is: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's a man.
Can this get any uglier? The man he is dating is your best friend!

9. The good news is: You have been appointed a cabinet minister.
The bad news is: The ruling party is currently very unpopular.
It gets worse: your party leader has adopted a very uncompromising stand, he is at loggerheads with everyone: neighboouring countries, donors, the Church, and of course, his darling, the media.
It gets even worse: His idea of followers are rabid dogs, who go about stripping women in town!

10. The good news is: Your daughter recently got a job.
The problem is: She is working as a hooker.
It is really bad becuase: Your co-workers are her best clients.
This one, again, gets worse: She is apparently making more money than you do!
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment

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