The Maravi Post

Sick or slick husband?

A man went to see his doctor with a unique problem. He wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay, fair enough" said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife"

Hands off the pharmacist's wife!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.   Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied:

"Well now, that's different.  You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

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Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females" He replied.

Intrigued she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone!"

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Two fool-proof reasons why Jones can't quit drinking

Economic grounds:

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer that I drink, especially on what I do afterwards, I feel shame and I want to quit drinking.

Then I look into the beer glass and think about the workers at the Carlsberg plants and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. And with companies closing in lieu of the zero deficit budget woes, their chances of finding alternative employment would be nil.

Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this Carlsberg beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about myself.”

Applying Darwin’s theory:

“It basically goes like this: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers and there, you have another good reason to keep guzzling the poison!”

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Computer Diagnosis

One day Bryte complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the pharmacy on the Cross Roads Complex that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs MK200."

Bryte figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample, drove to the Cross Roads Complex and in no time he was standing in the pharmacy. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the MK200. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

i.    You have tennis elbow.
ii.    Soak your arm in warm water.
iii.    Avoid heavy lifting.
iv.    It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the pharmacy, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the MK200. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

i.    Your tap water is too hard; Get a water softener.
ii.    Your dog has worms, Get him vitamins.
iii.    Your daughter is using cocaine, Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
iv.    Your wife is pregnant with twin girls; They aren't yours - Get a lawyer.

v.    And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!

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Dearly departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

At a recent divorce case

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he finds me impossible to communicate with!"
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment