The Maravi Post

Nutty professor versus top-of-the-class

A professor had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would get a zero. Well, one guy kept on writing for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to the professor to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said,

"Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."

The guy looked at the professor and said, "Professor, do you know who I am?"

The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of Malawi...you get a zero on this exam!"

The guy, with an enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?"

The professor retorted, "No, I've no idea who you think you are, and honestly I don’t give a heck!"

To that, the guy said "Good!"

With that, he plunged his exam paper into the middle of the stack of other student's papers, shuffled them thoroughly and retreated with much haste from the examination hall!

*******

At Zomba Mental Hospital

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the peace in the village, so for public safety, he was taken to Zomba Mental Hospital. He was put in a room with another crazy, and upon settling down, he immediately began his routine:

"I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other ‘zweee’, his roomy, looked at him and solemnly declared, "No, I did not!"

********

Pondering a trip to the Chikangawa?

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Chikangawa."

To do what?

"I just read from the Nation newspaper that I can make MK3, 000 a night, doing what I give you for free".

He pondered for moment then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and joined with his wife.

She asked "And just where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going too!!" he replied.

"Why?"

"I want to see how you are going to survive on MK6, 000 a year!"

*******

Eureka! ‘Dazi lili ndi mankhwala!’

The elders apparently goofed when they coined the adage that “Dazi lilibe mankhwala!”

During a monthly visit to the corner barbershop, Bryte asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was: “er…… female juices.”

"But you're balder than I am," protested Bryte.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've got to admit, I've got one hell of a moustache!"

*******

It’s raining kids!

The new pastor's wife had a baby. The pastor appealed to the congregation for an increase to his stipend to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.

The next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Seven years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses.

This resulted in a rather loud meeting one night with the pastor. Finally, the pastor stood up and shouted,
"Having children is an Act of God!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So is rain - so is rain, but nevertheless we wear rubbers or plastics when it is raining!"

*******

College politics

On my first day at the Uni, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded

"Ah, you're the Freshmen a.k.a. “Year0” (pronounced yia-ro)."

This dean, a jolly old fellow, went on to explain:

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's definitely Freshmen (Year0).

When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the lecturer over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they actually write it down, it is the “mature” entry students a.k.a. “tchuwa.””

*******

A typical conversation for a married couple

"Joe, what's the matter, can't you bring me home flowers once in a while at least?"  says the wife.  "Before we were married, you were always bringing me little presents."

"Honey, tell me," asks Joe, "Is there any logic or wisdom in giving worms to fish that one has already hooked?"

*******

Four Little Words

Mary and Jane had not seen each other in a while. So they decided to meet for lunch.  The talk naturally gravitated to their respective love lives.  Mary confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.

Jane, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.  

"He's perfect.  He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"Did he say 'will you marry me'?" Mary asked.

Jane replied, "No, when the waiter came with the bill he said 'Put your purse away'."

*******

The Mayor and Parish jargon

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,

"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the good old priest died at a ripe old age. About

a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.  Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,

"I don't know what you're laughing about; your own wife fell three times just this week!"

*******

The unethical doctor

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients and was resting. Feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients, a little voice in his head comforted him saying

"Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients; so it is not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a lot better until another voice in his head said, "... but then, the other doctors are probably not veterinarians."

*******
Nutty Professor hits back

Annoyed by one professor who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.

"They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes at Chikangawa."

All the girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "If you can hold your patience till the end of the class, the next Mzuzu via Chikangawa Bus leaves at 21:00hrs!"
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment