The Maravi Post

Innocent girl with a dirty mind?

THE male teacher in an all girls' school asks the science class:

"Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushing furiously as she stands up, says:

"Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher is taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawns on him, he calls for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily puts up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," says the male teacher.

He then turns solemnly to Mary, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal:

"Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

·    First, you have NOT done your homework;

·    Second, you have a very DIRTY mind, and,

·    Third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed – your expectations are just too much!"

xxxxx

On old lady with a bag of tricks!

A young man was at ShopRite picking up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.  Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total bill had run into thousands of Kwacha yet he

had only purchased toothpaste. "How can that be?" he asked, "For Christ's sake, I only purchased toothpaste!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

xxxxx

Husband, wife and a convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you are cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you too!!"

xxxxx

The Charcoal seller’s final round

IT was the makalaman’s last day on the job after years of bringing very good charcoal through all kinds of weather and risking imprisonment. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a brick of Embassy Cigarettes. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures since he was a Tonga from Nkhata Bay, his retirement home.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went to the dining room and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed K50 bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the K50 for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him K50!' Only the breakfast was my idea."

xxxxx

There are human beings, and then there are lawyers!

AN engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus
two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced
"Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
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©2012 The Maravi Post. Reproduction authorised, with usual acknowledgment