Dear Aunt,
I am 25 year old man married to a beautiful 24 year old woman. We got together after I impregnated her during our courtship. I wholeheartedly accepted the responsibility despite my financial instability of which I disclosed to her in advance.
Since then I did my level best to provide her with basic necessities until some 10 months ago when she gave birth to a beautiful bouncy baby boy and everything was just quite well for us.
But things started to change when the baby was six month old and she was supposed to resume work as a shop assistant. At this point she started disrespecting me and my views as head of the family. She even started denying me to have sex with her despite gynecologist’s advice that she starts using family planning methods and return to normal sex life in the union.
We have had sex once in five months. What is most hurtful is that we share the same bed and we usually bath together exposing ourselves to each other which increases my desire to be intimate with her. But she even refuses for me to caress her.
This is making me jealous of any man she comes into contact with, including her boss even though I have no evidence. I am having sleepless nights over this.
I tried talking to her relatives but they don’t seem to care. I don’t believe in divorce or sex outside marriage, so I have tried several ways to woo her, from roses to gifts but they have not worked. We are like brother and sister. Please tell me what should I do now? I am feeling abused because she wants me to provide her with everything but she doesn’t want to give herself to me. How long can a woman be without sex and what happens to women sexually after giving birth? What should I do to bring back her lost sexual feelings?
Abused but Silent
Zomba.
Dear Abused but Silent,
A woman’s body goes through transformation after becoming pregnant. The transformation continues events rough the birthing as well as after. The boys stretches to accommodate the baby and then returns to its former size after the birth of baby.
On average, it should be about six weeks or a little more before normal sexual relations can start. In rare cases, a woman may not desire to get back to the sex routine. This might be due to physical or psychological causes. On this, it may be the medical route rather than the social one to see why this is the case.
You might as an interim measure, stop the “bathing together” scene until intimacy resumes with your wife. Please stay with your resolve to refrain from sex outside marriage or divorce. It will work out, just as the elasticity of her back stretches back to normal, her sexual drive will do likewise. The length of time is different from woman to woman.
Getting addicted to women
Dear Aunt Nadithi,
I have a problem which I would like you to help me in solving.
I am a 23-year-old undergraduate in one of the constituent colleges of the University of Malawi. Of late I have noticed that I am developing a problem that might live with me for the rest of my life.
I had a girlfriend who readily obliged each time I proposed we have sex. We stayed in the relationship for almost seven months, having sex almost each time we met.
But with time, I started going out with other ladies whenever she was not available to provide me with sex.
We broke after I tested what other women offered. But almost a year after this happened I have come to realize that the problem might be on my part.
I want to have, and achieve having sex with almost every lady I meet that satisfies me. But I don’t hold on to one lady either. I feel like having a new lady each time I start going out with one.
In the absence of ladies, I masturbate to satisfy my sexual feelings. I have grown so sexually sensitive that I feel uncomfortable each time I see a woman’s body part that is often hidden by dressing.
Now, considering the world we are living in, the world of HIV and AIDS, I want to stop this behavior. But I don’t know how I could achieve doing it.
Please assist, what must I do to stop these behaviors?
Rotting Fellow
Dear Rotting Fellow,
This is indeed a serious challenge that you are confronted with, but not wholly insurmountable. You can defeat this demon that has possessed you. The first thing you must do is stop yourself professing or declaring calamities (dangerous and horrible events) over your life. We learn from the scriptures that we are what we say we are; whatever you say, surely comes to past because you start believing it and then acting it out.
This brings up the second challenge. The second challenge has to do with your opinion of what a woman is: the object of your sexual gratification. This opinion has led you to look at any woman as your sex object. It has caused you to look upon women only as the end result of your sexual pleasure. This is a completely erroneous viewpoint and that destroys you and the women you encounter and it also causes you to want to have sex with any woman you take sexual delight it.
A woman is not a sexual object and she is not there to satisfy your sexual pleasures. This may seem to contradict scripture; however in essence, it is true. There is a woman out there in this world, who God has set apart to be your “partner”and in scriptural language “wife”. She is not a woman you just have sex with, but someone whom you will entwine with and become one, enjoying each other and having the sex you have been having with many women.
The solution to your problem lies with you to stop immediately your sexual rampage. Please remember this fact: There is a woman out there who is your life partner and who will be the mother of your children. Another fact you will need to remember is that as differently and wonderfully made as women are by our Creator, they are all crafted in the same way. The biological set-up of women down there is the same – whether Chinese, German, Canadian, Malawian, Zambian….In short, there is no need to go about having sex with different women; you will not find anything different during the sec act in these women because, they are all the same.
It is in the character of a woman that you should be looking at when trying to setting up your relationship. The character should drive you to know the woman, and should not be the “in sexual heat”. You are a human being, not an animal; so stop acting out like animals. And please change your name to “loving fellow”.
